I'm not sure why I have to leave it to an old white guy to bring me stuff, but then you fellows do have all the power - that fact of life was made plain yet again to even non-believers last month. And so, although other old white guys are at the top of your list this year, I would like to ask for just a few presents, myself.
I'll start with the big item first: World peace. I know that the boys like to play at war, but Santa, if you brought Playstations and Call of Duty to all the girls and boys serving in the military (and to Dick Cheney, too, even though he should be permanently on the naughty list), there still would be plenty left in the $895 billion defense budget to send the troops home, heal their wounds, clean up the environment, and even put candy in all our stockings.
If the whole war thing is too much to ask for, maybe we can start smaller. Can you just bring all the haters new hearts? That way they can stop perpetrataing violence on people who look, love, live and believe differently than they do.
Mass organ transplants still too tall an order? Well, I have a few family members who've been sick, Santa, so maybe you can bring them the drugs and treatments that they need to maintain some quality of life. You see, their insurance companies have decided not to continue paying for meds and therapy for their conditions anymore, so I'm hoping you can help out.
I'd also really like it if you could give homes to all the dogs and cats in need. Lots of kids will be asking you for puppies and kittens, so I hope you'll do what's right and visit the animal shelters to fill those requests. Come to think of it, some of the critters in residence there were last year's Christmas presents, so Santa, please choose wisely!
That's really all I want this year. I am one of the lucky ones, Santa, with a roof over my head and a job to dread going to every day, so I don't need anything for myself. I know last year you tried to give me a 37-year-old Californian, but he wasn't the right ideological fit. If you're feeling generous this year, a 25-year-old Scotch will do. And it'll help see me through the new
(image from Karen's Whimsy)