Sunday, December 12, 2010

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm not sure why I have to leave it to an old white guy to bring me stuff, but then you fellows do have all the power - that fact of life was made plain yet again to even non-believers last month. And so, although other old white guys are at the top of your list this year, I would like to ask for just a few presents, myself.

I'll start with the big item first: World peace. I know that the boys like to play at war, but Santa, if you brought Playstations and Call of Duty to all the girls and boys serving in the military (and to Dick Cheney, too, even though he should be permanently on the naughty list), there still would be plenty left in the $895 billion defense budget to send the troops home, heal their wounds, clean up the environment, and even put candy in all our stockings.

If the whole war thing is too much to ask for, maybe we can start smaller. Can you just bring all the haters new hearts? That way they can stop perpetrataing violence on people who look, love, live and believe differently than they do.

Mass organ transplants still too tall an order? Well, I have a few family members who've been sick, Santa, so maybe you can bring them the drugs and treatments that they need to maintain some quality of life. You see, their insurance companies have decided not to continue paying for meds and therapy for their conditions anymore, so I'm hoping you can help out.

I'd also really like it if you could give homes to all the dogs and cats in need. Lots of kids will be asking you for puppies and kittens, so I hope you'll do what's right and visit the animal shelters to fill those requests. Come to think of it, some of the critters in residence there were last year's Christmas presents, so Santa, please choose wisely!

That's really all I want this year. I am one of the lucky ones, Santa, with a roof over my head and a job to dread going to every day, so I don't need anything for myself. I know last year you tried to give me a 37-year-old Californian, but he wasn't the right ideological fit. If you're feeling generous this year, a 25-year-old Scotch will do. And it'll help see me through the new congress year.

God jul!


(image from Karen's Whimsy)


  1. There's nothing I want for Christmas that I don't wish for all year, so, carry on Santa.

  2. Some things break my heart.
    I don't need a new one.
    It will just be broken also.
    I do have an 18 year old Scotch with a seal that is unbroken.

  3. Doug, I'm glad you're not asking for another bike!

    Punch, if you keep that 18 year old Scotch another 7 years, will that make it a 25 year old Scotch?

  4. Time to start praying to a different Santa Intelli. Obviously, fat old white men ain't doing the job. Of course, let us not forget that Athena is the Goddess of War. So who to turn to? How about a gay guy? Somebody like... Richard Simmons! Don't worry, be happy.

    Oh, BTW... the seal Punch is referring to is the one that lives in his bathtub. The damned thing has never learned to stop using the living room rug.

  5. Thanks for the guidance, Mr. C. Even if you're an old white guy, you're ok. (Thanks, too, for clearning up that bit about the unbroken seal.)

  6. Well!! An old white guy! Just because I catch the early bird specials, go to be by nine and rise at five doesn't mean I'm old. As in OLD! Maybe a little frayed at the edges, but OLD... oh well, in the words of Popeye, I yam what I yam.

  7. I meant no offense, Mr. C -- what I should have said is that you're old enough to be a congressperson.

  8. Good luck with that, I hope Santa brings oyu at least one of those things on that list.

  9. Well, I suppose I have to abandon my usual smart ass demeanor, because this post almost...ALMOST...brought a tear to my eye. Beautiful thoughts there intell.

    OK, it did bring a tear to my eye. You are a good person kiddo!

    Nothing else need be said.

    Oh, yes btw, that guy C? He gets double Senior discounts at the movies. And AARP has given him an honorary lifetime FREE membership...with unlimited auto club tows. UNLIMITED!

  10. The unlimited auto tows are a running bet within the club. Rumor has it that he has been pulled out of 14 pools, two lakes, and one fountian. The fountian was in Rome and caused a stir with the Pope.

  11. Dr. MVM, I hope so, too! Maybe if I set out something better than milk & cookies I'll improve my chances.

    JJ, Punch - I hope I have friends like you when I get old(er)...just so I can pretend to be senile & ignore 'em.

  12. SO good! A bit of genius, really. Got to find the right moment to pass this one on.

  13. Thanks, Nance! There's surely room on Santa's sleigh to make every progressive's wish come true :-)


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