Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Making the Grade

It’s that time of year again – PMS time. PMS is the unfortunate acronym for “Performance Management System,” the employee performance review procedures in place where I work. Actually they’ve done away with PMS in the past year, in favor of PM1, PM2, PM3, and PM4 – but “PMS” probably more accurately conveys the agony and general malaise that overcomes my department when the performance review cycle rolls around.

Last week I had my own review, which consisted chiefly of my supervisor telling me how badly my colleagues and I have disappointed him by refusing to cheerfully continue enabling our most dysfunctional colleague’s behavior. He went on to critique (criticize) my own performance because I don’t execute the duties of my position exactly as he would, and left no doubt in my mind that he would rather have someone else occupying my office. Preferably a minority male, because there are so few of those in leadership positions in the field. (Never mind the fact that there are woefully few minorities of any gender within 50 miles of the university where I work.)

So…in order to earn “Outstanding” assessments on next year’s review, it looks like I need to make some major changes.

Anybody know where I can get some melanin and testicles?

(Image borrowed from here.)


  1. These people are obsessed, obsessive and always, always wrong about what's important.

    Mine's up next week. Luckily, they devolve it to department heads, who cheerfully ignore whatever crazy management mumbo-jumbo is fashionable this week.

  2. No two people will ever do a job the same way. The way my supervisor and I see differing means to a same end annoy the hell out of us both.

    Ask the head cheese if he wants to swap for a week. He can show you how it's done and he can see where his professional shortcomings are. I think he already displays his other ones.

    Iodine and a set of Neuticles might do the trick for you...

    Don't go changin'...

  3. Is there anyone anywhere that believes these things ever objectively analyse an employees performance?

    What I am constantly amazed by is how much faith some management types seem to put in them.

  4. I'm pretty sure there are faux testicles at a shop on Christopher Street next to a leather boutique. Not sure what to do about the melanin, however.

    Sorry to hear you and your colleagues are a general disappointment to that dip shit. I'd wish he'd get Bambicided his own self but it's probably bad karma.


  5. I thought the changes you speak of meant getting rid of your boss. Surely an entire department can figure out something. Slip him a mickey and take photos with a prostitute. you get the idea.

  6. Thanks for the comments, all! At least the ordeal is more or less over for the next year -- plenty of time to either work on the aforementioned physical enhancements, or better yet, find a different job!

  7. Thank whomever that I am no longer subject to such bullshit. I recall back in my early fifties, being asked by my immediate supervisor as to what my career goals for the next five years were (career goals? WTF, I'm 51 years old asshole). I replied, this is it mo fo (I did said that). My career goal is to be breathing five years from now. At the time I was the Art Director of this multi-million dollar event company, with 20 years experience in it and related industries.

    This particular inpressed-with-himself jackass retired service monkey, was a guy who talked in terms such as, "being on the same page", "having too much on one's plate", "shit flows downhill", and one of my favorites, being "pro-active" (as opposed to simply active?).

    Just thinking about these cretins, turns my stomach.

    It's not forever, intell.

    Take Mr. C's advice...or, kill him.

  8. Weird thing, jaded, is that up until this year my boss treated the evaluations as bullshit himself. I guess he has some emotional needs that aren't being met otherwise, so he decided to get all emo on the staff instead.

    I'd consider working for myself, but according to my boss my supervisory skills are wanting, too, so I'd suck at being my own boss. At least I did have the presence of mind to say, in my defense, that there wasn't very good modeling of supervisory behavior in the department :-)

  9. Har har har, a person of timber and, I mean. Great comment.


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