Upon recently receiving official confirmation that corporations have achieved full personhood, it made sense to me to expand my dating search beyond mere human persons and try flirting with some publicly-held prospects instead. And so, I eschewed the personals pages and started scanning the NASDAQ and Dow in search of my perfect match.
First I was swept off my feet by CapitalOne, whose attractive interest rate blinded me to its true colors. It wasn't long before all I saw through the phony generosity to the broken promises, and realized that my best interests – and best interest rate – were just the stuff of fantasy.
On the rebound, I hooked up with Exxon. Behind the shiny façade of a global energy concern, however, I found out that Exxon is really no better than a 4 year-old who makes enormous messes, and leaves them for someone else to clean up. No thank you.
Maybe a younger corporation would be a fun date, I thought. Starbucks seemed to fit the bill – energetic, youthful, and an undeniably sexy fragrance. But the phony Euro-speak was just not impressive at all, and before you could say “I’d like a Venti, sugar-free, non-fat, vanilla soy, double shot, decaf, no foam, extra hot, Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha with light whip and extra syrup, please,” I was ready to call it a night.
Rather than admit failure once again, I decided to give the Corporation for Public Broadcasting a chance. Alas, what began as a fantastically intellectually stimulating evening ended when CPB started asking for money while dessert was being served, and kept on asking for money every 30 minutes for the rest of the evening. What a bore!
It seems that I can’t even find romance in the corporate world, at least not in this economy. Maybe things will thaw out come spring. In the meantime, I could always try my luck with the snowman across the street . . . .