Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Love, Inc.

Upon recently receiving official confirmation that corporations have achieved full personhood, it made sense to me to expand my dating search beyond mere human persons and try flirting with some publicly-held prospects instead. And so, I eschewed the personals pages and started scanning the NASDAQ and Dow in search of my perfect match.

First I was swept off my feet by CapitalOne, whose attractive interest rate blinded me to its true colors. It wasn't long before all I saw through the phony generosity to the broken promises, and realized that my best interests – and best interest rate – were just the stuff of fantasy.

On the rebound, I hooked up with Exxon. Behind the shiny fa├žade of a global energy concern, however, I found out that Exxon is really no better than a 4 year-old who makes enormous messes, and leaves them for someone else to clean up. No thank you.

Maybe a younger corporation would be a fun date, I thought. Starbucks seemed to fit the bill – energetic, youthful, and an undeniably sexy fragrance. But the phony Euro-speak was just not impressive at all, and before you could say “I’d like a Venti, sugar-free, non-fat, vanilla soy, double shot, decaf, no foam, extra hot, Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha with light whip and extra syrup, please,” I was ready to call it a night.

Rather than admit failure once again, I decided to give the Corporation for Public Broadcasting a chance. Alas, what began as a fantastically intellectually stimulating evening ended when CPB started asking for money while dessert was being served, and kept on asking for money every 30 minutes for the rest of the evening. What a bore!

It seems that I can’t even find romance in the corporate world, at least not in this economy. Maybe things will thaw out come spring. In the meantime, I could always try my luck with the snowman across the street . . . .

16 comments:

  1. I would say come on give ADM a chance. Maybe Proctor and Gamble, yeah that's the ticket.

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  2. Thanks for the advice, Punch, but I think I'll hold out for a socially and environmentally responsible co-op.

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  3. My two cents would advise that you love locally as much as possible. De-personalized large corporations just aren't concerned with your best interests. Wining and bedding you with promises of minimum interest rates, and a maximum wonderful life is all they have on their minds. It's a game with them, conquer, discard and leave them empty and drained. And then bankrupted, you will find yourself alone, lost in a sea of numbered options on the phone. At least locally, one can make a phone call and talk to a real person...one in this country...in one's own town...not Punjab, Inja, being berated as a bad person by "Jane Smith", or "George Brown", and being asked for your mother's first pet's sexual proclivity. Nosir, Always swing Amurican, when possible. Just sayin'.

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  4. Uh, locally...? C'mon J - you know what my locality is like!

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  5. Er, oh yeah. Sorry. There's always, Brazil.

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  6. *sigh*....that's ok. I know the spirit of your advice was well-intended.

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  7. Love the satire and love the metaphor. Thanks for sharing. What corporations do I love? Hmmmmmmm? Not loyal to any at all. Does that make me a bad date? Or a bad catch?

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  8. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

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  9. Wow, P, you are wise beyond even your looooooong, OLDEN years.

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  10. Stan, I almost said that makes you a maverick, but quickly realized my mistake :-)

    Punch, I thought the road to hell was US 19 from Palm Harbor on south...

    Jaded -- does that mean I have to respect him?

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  11. No...and whatever you do, do not rub his pointy little dome.

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  12. No worries, J - I prefer to be the rubbee, not the rubber.

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  13. Goldman Sacks has had record earnings and great bonuses and can’t go bankrupt because the government will just shovel money at it. Of course, “he” is used to lavish parties and may not settle for one partner. So, if you are open-minded and don’t mind sharing…

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  14. Thanks for the suggestion, Chimp, but I think I'll look somewhere else.

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  15. Don't give up, intelliwench! A world of hospitality corporations await you! Carnival cruise lines, if you've a yen for the sea-faring sort of corporation, and the derring do that does imply, Stouffer's hotels where the fare may be rather predictable, but the linens are always fresh!

    You'll love again, we're not even counting the many and varied luxury hotel purveying corporations! Complementary continental breakfasts can be yours.

    One small problem...of course, of course, person and all that, just ask our esteemed courts...a little lacking in the bits and parts department. If you're one of those people that likes a warm embrace, a pulse, or a soul for that matter, you may be a bit out of luck.

    However, some ad on the TV keeps informing that some woman has married the Empire State Building. Lack of a body isn't a barrier to true...

    something.

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  16. Heh, LoS - I don't know if "true something" is better than "imitation nothing."

    Then again, I wonder if the Guggenheim is single....

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